Twilight Review

Written by The Boo

Sigh, I don’t want to do this, I really don’t.

So if you don’t know what Twilight is, you’re lucky. Me, I’ve had to watch this movie roughly 17 times over the past month in preparation for our new show along with having to go see Breaking Dawn Part 1.

Think it’s fun to run your own website? Think it’s fun to hate on bad movies? Well, it is, that is until you come across a movie so boring that all you loved about bad movies is stripped from your soul.

Twilight opens with the line “I’ve never really thought about death before”. Already I’m in pain. This is the opening line from our main character Bella, a 17 year old girl from Phoenix with a loving mother and step father. Emo is a term I usually reserve for those who dress in a certain style, and not so much a comment on their mind set, but in this case, I can’t think of a better term for this self loathing horrendous character that has somehow captured the hearts of millions of teenage girls the world over. Why is that? I know a few people who love Twilight, but yet, they’re happy in their lives, they’re not the self loathing introverted girls that Bella is, so what is it about this movie/story that they find themselves lost in?

The movie goes on to establish that Bella really doesn’t want to leave her mother and step father to be with her biological father in the town of Forks. So why does she move then? It makes no sense and we’re only 5 minutes into this movie? Surely there must be a reason for her having to move, but it’s never stated. Her mother even says “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?”. If her mother gave her the option, is she such a masochist that she’d rather take the option to continue her miserable life rather than travel with her mother. Already I hate Bella. Never have I seen a character so boring and loathsome, that in the first few minutes of a movie, I already want her off the screen. But no, this is our main character, I’m going to have to endure this for the rest of the damn movie.

She gets to her new school, and to my surprise, everyone is her best friend immediately and somehow, everyone knows who she is. I know it’s a small town, but damn, I was the new guy in school a few times, and not once did this reaction from the kids there ever happen. I’m going to chalk this up to something I call, Twilight Lore.

Life’s so hard when given a free truck and everyone likes you…

It’s at this point we get to see our other main character, Edward. A pasty white, massive eyebrow-ed ugly scruffy haired twat that within seconds, Bella is in love with. Now I know what love at first sight is, and rarely does it work out. For those that do, it is truly wonderful, but as we’ll soon learn, these two have nothing in common. How could they, they’re from two totally different time periods, not to mention the age difference, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Edward has what is one of the funniest reactions you’ve ever seen to smelling someone for the first time, and seems to almost become ill from her scent. Which of course we all know is due to the fact that it drives up his blood lust for her, wait, you didn’t know that? That Edward is a vampire? I guess it would be hard to miss considering he’s going to high school, and he’s out during the daylight, just remember, Twilight Lore. He quickly leaves at the end of class in a rush to get away from the Blue Cheese smelling Bella, to which she takes great offense. We then get a quick monologue from her about confronting Edward over his reaction to her, and to his sudden departure after class. Okay. This I don’t get. I could understand if you had actually talked to him before hand, but you had at least 7 people come up to you, and in a sense say “Hey there new girl, we’ll help you out since you’re new and be your friends without even knowing you.” surely your train of thought should have been, “Damn, what nice kids they are, even though I hate my life, they’re taking an interest in me already?” But no, she goes the route of, cute guy ran away from me, I must know why. Twilight Lore.

Yes, no, yes, no, maybe, um, no, yes…

I’m going to skip a lot of this movie. Why? It’s as boring as watching paint dry on growing grass. The quick version to keep you up to speed. Bella likes Edward. Edward distances himself to hide his secret of being a vampire. There goes 40 minutes of the movie. There’s a sub plot about animal attacks, but any person with a working single brain cell knows that it’s vampires. Heh, after writing that last line, I think I summed up this movie quite well, and why I don’t really feel like finishing this review. This is a love story with vampires. Let that sink in for a while. Sure we all know the attraction vampires can give to people, I used to love vampires, I actually enjoyed Interview with the Vampire, Lost Boys and even Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I even went as far as to playing the role-playing game Vampire: The Masquerade (First edition). Now looking at those four examples I’ve given of vampires, there’s a constant theme, all those vampires are cursed, that’s right, cursed to live forever and feed off the living. Sure, Louis fought for his humanity going so far as to live off of rats, but this was my point entirely. He wanted to fight for his humanity, while he knew he was a cursed monsters, he tried his best to keep what little of his former self alive. In Twilight, the Cullens do the same thing, but it doesn’t seem such a struggle for them, in fact, it seems like such an easy thing to do, that being a vampire in the Twilight universe has no side effects what so ever. They can walk in the daylight, as far as we know the only way to kill them is to completely dismember them and then burn the parts. Oh let’s not forget the sparkling in the daylight. I have no idea where that came from, and worse still, the movie never explains this and just expects you to completely forget everything you’ve ever seen or read about vampires in the past.

Twilight Lore.

With Twilight Lore, you too can sparkle.

I’m going to wrap this up, why you may ask, I haven’t even talked about the movie that much. It’s because it’s boring the hell out of me even thinking about this movie.

Bella and Edward finally after all their bullshit with each other get together, Bella somehow works out he’s a vampire even though she see’s him during the day (fucking Twilight Lore) Edward gets even more “emo” than Bella about him being a monster, even though he’s a vegan has incredibly rich parents and dear fucking god this movie is shit!

Who actually likes this shite?! I even asked one of my Twi-Friends what is so great about it, they didn’t even give me a proper response. I was expecting something along the lines of “Edwards cute” but not even that. I have not once seen a single reason for how anyone cloud like this steaming pile. I’m gonna do a list.

1: Vampires can walk in the daylight?

2: Vampires are supposed to keep their existence a secret, so why have 5 of your kind go to a public school?

3: Why is Bella so hateful of her life, when she can makes friends without even thinking, is not un-attractive and has half the boys in school wanting to be with her?

4: How the fuck did anyone read Stephanie Meyers draft for this shit and ask any of the above questions?

You know what, I’m done. Twilight is simply a pathetic love story with characters who you wouldn’t give two craps about if they hung themselves with their own entrails.

There is something positive I would like to mention though after all of this, I really like the characters of Carlisle, Esme, Alice and Jasper. I actually wanted to know their back stories. They were so much more interesting than the leads we were given. Carlisle reminded me of a vampire who had beaten his monster side, I wanted to see that! I wanted to see how he overcame his blood-lust, I wanted to see how he found Esme and how they started their family. Jasper was the newest vegan, I wanted to see his struggles with his own blood lust, along with his back-story. But no, we get none of that. We only got the boring tripe from two of the worst characters ever written. Twilight Lore. Years from now people will look back and go, “What the fuck where you thinking?”

The one responsible for Twilight

 

  • The Dward

    *Applause* VERY… VERY Well written… I couldn’t agree with you anymore. I too fell victim of this movie thanks to a certain significant other of mine.. but I agree the movie is complete shit.

  • Skull Jester

    I’ve also had the ‘pleasure’ of having to do the boyfriend test and sit through this movie. In my opinion, all the budgeting for the film went into paying for the scenery, which was easily my favourite part of the movie. I spent half the movie yelling at the screen for the actors to get off because they were spoiling my view.