Does the smiley emoticon on the top left of this post give away my feelings for this movie? Probably. This is the third installment of Michael “I want more explosions and boobies” Bay’s take on our sacred childhood. Do I sound biased and bitter already like some enraged nerd cradling their mint condition 1984 Optimus Prime Action Figure? You bet your sweet Shia Labeouf hating booty I do.
Now if you’ve read my previous and only other movie review I have ever written (X-Men: First Class), I stated that I am a biased movie goer and also am incredibly critical of tiny details/faults within a movie. I like to judge everything in a movie, plot, characters, cinematography and of course, big giant robots beating the oil out of each other inconsistently over the course of three movies where one man has single handily destroyed the childhoods of those growing up in the 80’s.
I’ll start off by saying, I did not pay to see this movie. No, I would never do that. Instead I had an offer from the Jay and the Jay’s Mother Unit, who both assured me, the showing we would be seeing would be in 2D. They lied. So now that we were standing in line, waiting to get in to see this abomination, I was not in a good mood to begin with. First off, I hate 3D. I hate it with such a passion I wish it would die a horrible horrible death. I suffer migraines, need to wear glasses when at the movies (Short sighted), and some scenes often hurt my eyes in general. 3D forces you to focus on one point of action, while everything around it is blurry, of poor quality, and often makes everything else darker than it should be and is just an outdated, overused and overpriced gimmick. I don’t know anyone personally who enjoys 3D movies, even the majority of my favorite reviewers around the internet hate 3D, so why is it still hanging around? I’m getting off track. Back to Michael Bay bashing.
So it’s no secret by now that I care nothing for Michael Bay and anything he has done (This open to debate of course only due in part to Bad Boys). I’ll try my best not to linger on my pre-determined feelings about this movie, but after the first two installments, he would have had to pull a golden egg out of his arse to make me a believer that he could salvage this franchise. Sticking with tradition, I’ll try and keep this as spoiler free as possible.
I think there was a plot in this movie. At some point between Sam (Shia LaBeouf) trying to get a job, his parents moving in next door in the biggest motor home you’ve ever seen and John Malkovich making the oddest cameo ever, I’m sure there was some plot about giant robots trying to take over the Earth. For the most part, Decepticons are in hiding. Autobots are now working with the humans to help solve human conflict, but that all changes when they discover an Autobot ship landed on the dark side of the moon back in the 60’s before Apollo 11 landed. Meanwhile, Sam and new girlfriend, (since Megan Fox got too much plastic surgery and now looks like a cat person) Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) talk some crap about Sam getting a job and blah blah blah who cares.
Between a scene where the camera moves up and down Carly’s body and another not 5 minutes into the movie showing her in her panties, to not only represent that no matter how much Sam whines and bitches about everything, he’s still able to get himself what Michael Bay thinks is the hottest woman on the planet, all the while people off camera can talk about a cars curves as the camera pans her curves, so the meat heads in the audience can gawk at her body and laugh like some deranged frat boys looking at a nudie magazine for the first time. That might have been a little harsh, but there was a group of those guys during this showing which just helped to prove my point.
We find out that Sentinel Prime was on the Ark (The ship on the moon) and the Autobots go to rescue him and bring back some pillars of scientific wonder with him. Sentinel Prime is somewhat of a genius and invents a whole bunch of things, none of which are ever talked about except the pillars, but okay. Weirdly he is voiced by Leonard Nimoy, who voiced Galvatron back in the 80’s animated movie of the Transformers. You know that movie, the one where Optimus dies and the mothers of our youth complained to the writers for making their children cry, yeah, that one. Nimoy, villain or hero? You decide!
Of course, the Decepticons have hidden plans of their own, using humans to do some of their bidding. In a much better way than that un-explained Fem-bot in Revenge of the Fallen. Humans and Autobots argue, Decepticons start killing humans, hundreds of robots die, are never named, and if they are named, expect a longer death sequence, bigger plans are revealed, and then Sam’s mother starts talking about his penis size. That’s no joke on my behalf. That crap is actually in the movie.
While the plot did some interesting things, it was far too often interrupted by Michael Bay’s attempt at humour. We are constantly interrupted by Sam, that annoying little RC Decepticon turned Autobot that humped Megan Fox’s leg in the second movie, oh, and he now has a partner in crime called Brains, I think. Mudflap and Skids, the two Autobots from the last movie that where accused of being racist, me being Australian, just found them annoying. Their roles just seemed passed onto the RC dipshits. We’re interrupted with Carly’s body, I swear, this may sound harsh (again), but after watching three of these movies, Michael Bay seems sex starved with his constant focus on it. He should realise the people really wanting to watch this movie, just want to see giant robots beat the hell out of each other, we have internet porn for boobies. Sheesh.
I’m gonna skip this section. As none are memorable, I have no idea who half the robots were supposed to be, so many had changed so much from not only the source material, but also the previous movies that I couldn’t care less about the multitude of useless characters in this movie. Not only did it have literally hundreds of un-named robots, but also threw in so many human characters, who would either die or serve no purpose what so ever, that it just became a game of “When is something going to happen that I care about?”
Okay, I may talk about a couple, not the humans of course, since I honestly thought Sam would die in this movie, and that would have given me a happy ending. Starscream. Again, completely screwing his character into the ground, still looking like some giant mash of metal that can be mistaken for any of the other silver’ish coloured Decepticons and still having no impact on the movie what so ever.
Optimus. He has his iconic trailer now. How did he get it? What does it do? No idea. The one time you see it do something, it gives him a sword and shield. We also assume it gives Optimus some battle jet pack harness thingie, but they neglected to edit that scene in. Oh, while I’m on it, the editing in this movie is horrible. People magically change clothes, robots can be on one side of the city one second, then on another side of the city, and then back again. All in the matter of seconds. Not only that, but if you manage to capture Bumble Bee, when only seconds ago he was rescuing Sam for the billionth time, show it in the movie next time so we’re not left wondering “HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?!”
Megatron. The baddest of badasses. The evil incarnate. The rusted hobo truck with shit stained rags? Again, hardly any screen time since we spend most of it watching unknown characters make jokes about, something. Honestly, for a movie that’s based on giant transforming robots blasting the hel… I’m starting to sound like a broken record. I’ll stop…
GIANT TRANSFORMING ROBOTS BLASTING THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF EACH OTHER UNTIL ONE IS VICTORIOUS FOR THE GLORY OF CYBERTRON AND SCREW ANY FLESHBAG THAT GETS IN THEIR WAY!
Is it so hard to do? Why must we spend so much time with characters we care nothing for, are annoying, and only purpose is for badly written jokes, sexual innuendo and, basically, seeing stupid people be stupid.
I think it’s time I bring this to a close before the nerd rage in me rises to new levels and I start to poison water supplies just to get to Michael “I’m a giant 14 year old robot who never listens to the fans” Bay.
Don’t waste your money on this movie. While I have been overly hating on this movie, I did laugh, twice. But that was it. Michael did learn from a few of his mistakes, parts of the action in previous films where the camera was so close you couldn’t tell if you were watching robots fight, or the inside of a combustion engine, were FINALLY moved back. When the little action that this movie does have kicks in, it’s okay. But again, this is interrupted by Sam and his waste of screen time antics. Oh, before I mentioned about Sam’s mother and talking about his penis size. That scene happens right after everyone learns that big shit is about to hit the fan, you know the type of scene where everyone shits themselves and rushes to find a way to stop it. Not for Michael Bay, nope, for him that’s just another segway into yet another childish sexual joke.
I wish giant robots were my friends, I’d send them to Michael Bay, and show him the meaning of my sexual jokes. Nothing funnier than a giant robot raping a hack director who raped my childhood memories.
I know this review is much harsher and filled with a lot more hate than my last review in which I tried my best to point out both the good and bad. I honestly can’t do that with this movie, it wasn’t funny, the few scenes of giant robots… action were too few and far between to make up for the lack of story and lack of interesting characters. It’s slightly better than Revenge of the Fallen, a bit more action, easier to see (I would recommend 2D) but is still plagued by far too many annoying characters, terrible editing and out of place scenes/jokes.